The Selfish Years

Apart of growing up and chasing after your own dreams means you have to be a little selfish. I know it sucks but one thing I've realized is that as much as I love the people around me, I am at a point in my life where each road I cross there are two different roads and I struggle constantly to choose the right one. But what I've realized that sometimes the two paths aren't simply the right one or the wrong one just two choices that can lead you to different lives.

Do I ever wonder how my life would be at this very moment if I still lived in California?

Or even Arkansas at that?

Constantly.

Some people say that they can make a decision and "never look back" and if they are telling the truth then good for them. Maybe it's a part of my anxious personality but my mind is constantly racing wondering if the decisions I make that day was the right one.

I have missed one too many last goodbyes from people I cherish so much in my life.

I have to listen on the phone to people I love crying as I wish I could do anything to be there as their shoulder to cry on and to just simply give them a hug.

When my little brother is at an age so delicate that each week he is getting bigger and bigger I can barely recognize him in the photo my dad sends me.

These are some of the many hardships I have to deal with because of my personal goal to succeed but it is a decision I made by choosing this path in my life. But even with this profound selfishness I newly developed, I make sure to show my care in other ways, not by my physical presence but for being there for whomever touches my heart in any way I can while still being true to myself and my goals. It is a hard road to choose and sometimes I am left second guessing everything but one thing I know is true is that I am still in my exact situation for a reason and I know that no matter the miles the people close to me know how much I care about them and their support is the reason I am here today.



This post is influenced by a recent death in Arkansas. A friend of mine since elementary school whose life was taken too young. Not only is he a friend of mine but he was an on and off boyfriend for my best friend since we were children. Ash, I wish with all my heart I was there by your side right now and I love you very much. This is for you, Jose. RIP